Thursday, March 10, 2011

Really Sad.

I know women can get postpartum but is there such a thing as prepartum?

See how shocked she is at my horrible behavior.
I don't know what is wrong with me but I'm SOOOO depressed this pregnancy. Maybe it's because my girlfriends aren't pregnant with me this time. Or maybe because my husband is never home because he has to drop Lillian off at daycare and so gets home between 7:30 and 8pm and our munchkin is already in bed by that time. Or maybe it's because I haven't slept through the night since November. Or maybe it's because I feel really lonely lately. I honestly don't know but I feel horrible about it. I enjoyed being pregnant with Lillian so much. I couldn't wait to hold her and was so excited to meet her and really enjoyed being pregnant and just loved the whole process. But this time around, I hate it.

I was afraid to get attached to my baby because of my thyroid issues increasing my chances of a miscarriage. Then once the 12 week mark hit I felt better but the baby had no nickname so I had to wait to find out  if the baby was a boy or a girl. Once we knew, my husband couldn't decide on a name, so I had to wait for that. Now I'm 27 weeks along and I just want it to END! I keep running, but I can't run at the speed or distance that I am used to so it doesn't give me the endorphins that I need to feel better. So now I feel horrible because I'm not enjoying this pregnancy and I just want it to be over.

I really wish I could talk to my girlfriends about this but the one who I usually go to is dealing with personal stuff, the other one is trying to get pregnant so I feel bad complaining about my pregnancy when she wants to be pregnant SO badly, and the rest are pregnant with their first and I don' want to scare them with my horrible mothering.

So I just sit around at home and cry and get angry at everyone and then cry more and feel horrible about it. Thanks for letting me rant. Only 90 days until my due date to go. God give me strength.

2 comments:

  1. I don't have children, but I have felt guilty, depressed, angry, lonely, and sad before (sometimes all at once).

    One thing I'd offer is to cut yourself some slack in terms of the "should" thoughts floating around (e.g., I "should" enjoy this pregnancy. I "should" be nicer to people.)

    If I had a small child, a husband who is not home until late, and a growing baby inside me, I'd be zonked and cranky as all heck! Trust me when I say I know for sure that you're not alone in how you're feeling.

    If you can, give yourself permission to feel however you feel about this time in your life. You are a wonderful, loving mom and wife (that's so easy to see). Plus, you're a determined and kind person who has a right to feel however she feels.

    Deep breaths, my blogger friend. Breathe and just be.

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  2. Hugs!

    For myself I think its totally different the second time around. The first baby you are so excited 'yeah baby!!!', you nap when you can, you feel the baby all the time, etc. But with the second I found at times I totally forgot I was pregnant or I mean that I was carrying another baby until I was around 7mths, then boom...really there is another child in there, yikes! I found that I was just so busy with baby 1, work, housework, that you don't have the same quiet time you did the first time around.
    Than I hated getting so darn LARGE!! I just wanted her out, then reality check at 31 weeks and my ob didn't think I'd make it to 36weeks, so I had to slow down.
    You are doing just fine, I think your feelings are similar to most, hang in there you will be superb!!

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