Sunday, August 28, 2011

Examining Life (rant warning).

Smooshie face.
So I have been thinking a lot lately and have been feeling a bit sad and off. I figured if I blogged about it I might feel better. So lately I'm feeling a bit down, especially about my relationship with my husband. I am a firm believer that marriages are living entities that grow and evolve over time. The marriage we had when we got married at 22 and 27 without a care in the world, is very different from the one we have now with two little ones under the age of two, and that is very different from the one we'll have in 12 years when our babies are teenagers. I also know that we'll have good and bad days, weeks, months and years. But lately I find myself feeling a bit resentful of him, and very lonely at home.

I know my husband loves me, he loves our babies, he works hard and does his best, but lately I feel like he just doesn't care and has been very selfish. I feel like he doesn't notice or acknowledge all that I do, and a lot of things he does shows me that he just doesn't care. He doesn't see it the same way that I do which is normal, but I work so hard to provide him a nice home and when he just tosses stuff everywhere it makes me feel like he's disrespecting me. He also does a bunch of little things that just irk me to no end. He sighs all the time when I ask him to do something, which makes me feel like anything I ask is such a burden or inconvenience. When I ask him to do something he doesn't always realize that means NOW and sometimes he just does it half way, like washing the dishes but leaving all the ones on the stove because he didn't see them and that drives me nuts.

I often find myself feeling unloved and like his maid or mother and I don't want to be either of those. We had a long talk a week ago so he's working on trying to make me feel better, but I think it'll be a long process. I acknowledge that part of it may be the hormones settling down, or the combination with the new ones now that I'm back on birth control. Also, a lot of my bad feelings stem from the fact that I am not happy with my body right now and that makes me super sensative and unhappy a lot of the time. For example when he tells me I look so thin, and I feel like a fat cow, I think he's full of crap and a liar which doesn't help the situation. I also admit that I have a very hard time asking anyone for help, but when he sighs in response or only does half of it, it doesn't encourage me to keep asking him. I also feel resentful of his freedom. I take the girls to my mom's and he gets a week to himself. Then he goes away to a convention for a day, and I'm with the girls. Everything seems to result in him doing something alone and me being responsible for both babies. He's also going to a convention in October which will be good for him but means I'm a single mom for four or five days and that terrifies me.

He's also the kind of person who needs 9 hours sleep and I can get by easily on 6, so he's always complaining about being tired, and comes home and wants to sit and rest, after a day of sitting at a desk all day. Meanwhile I've been on my feet running around the house since 8am and am still running around doing things while he's on his butt. That drives me crazy, but I doubt there is much I can do about that. I know we'll work through this, and that a lot of parents struggle to find a balance when they have a new baby in the house, but right now it sucks a lot and tends to bum me out. I will just have to keep pushing myself to run as much as possible. I know you need rest days in between but now I remember why I ran so much after Lillian. Running is the only thing that keeps my sane and the endorphins make me feel less resentful.

I also really miss church. We haven't managed to be up and get both babies ready in time to go on Sunday mornings and I enjoy church. It makes me feel better about life in general and is nice to be part of a community that all feel like there is a higher power guiding us. I find I feel happier and more fulfilled in my life when we go. I keep wanting to go but it hasn't worked out yet. Maybe next weekend when we're all actually at home on Sunday.

Finally anyone out there have tips for dealing with these feelings?

1 comment:

  1. I personally do not have any tips that you are not already doing. Talking, exercising and eating right are all at the top of my need to do to stay sane list.
    I would say that working out and eating healthy is helping more than you realize and encourage you to keep at are an amazing woman and once all those hormones settle then you will feel so much better.

    Praying for my hubby is something I do when we are not understanding each others needs also.
    God has an amazing way to help us understand each other when we ask Him for help.

    (((hugs))) Alice!!!
    I will remember you in my prayers also!