Monday, March 12, 2012

Finding the true me.

I need to come to terms with the real me again. I don't see myself the way my husband does, as a curvy, sexy, woman with a great hour glass figure, soft brown hair and a nice bust. I don't see myself the way Lillian does as a kisser of booboos, provider of juice, suckers and other yummy things, and the one she goes to when she's upset. I don't see myself as Katrina does, the arms that rock her, make her feel safe and fill her belly with milk (aka milk dispencer). How I saw myself every time I looked in the mirror, until this weekend, was a fat, post baby mom who was unfit and unhealthy. But you know what? That isn't who I really am.

Clothes that are GONE.
As I mentioned yesterday I bought a few new size M shirts while out with my husband shopping. This morning when I was getting ready to hang my laundry in our closet I looked around and understood why I feel the way I do. My clothes say nothing about me, because they are no longer me. They show someone who is hiding from the world, and who is unhappy with her appearance. I pulled my pants that were too big out on the weekend and gave them to my mom (out of site but kept in storage in case of another baby one day) and until I found that box of more pants, left me with only 3 pairs, 4 if you count the jeans that were so large I didn't have to open them to pull them down. After I unpacked the box, I had around 8 pants I can choose from. So this morning I grabbed one of my 'new' jeans and then looked over at my shirts and realized exactly why I always say I have nothing to wear despite having around 40 shirts. They are not me. They are huge, baggy and honestly the clothes a mother nursing a 2 week old baby wears to be comfortable and have access to her baby's food supply 24/7 and common enough to replace when the baby spits up. Without even thinking I began grabbing shirts off of hangers and just throwing them out of the closet. I mean I had 8 long sleeved, thin, layering shirts, and I only actually wear 3 of them. I took over 15 shirts out to just chuck and another 17 that I need to try on and have Steve give me his input.

Clothes that need to be checked through.
 Before I knew it I had yanked out around 1/3 of my closet, and then headed to my drawer of post Lillian shirts, and brought them all out and hung them up. After that I stood back and looked at my clothes, and there are so many things in there that I am excited to wear again. I went from having nothing to wear in a closet full of clothes to having so much choice that I need more places to go so that I can wear it all. But to be honest I'm more happy about the realization that came with throwing my oversized clothes out of my closet. I don't need to feel like I have to hide anymore. I'm not the big, post baby woman anymore. I'm wearing size 10 pants, with my size 8s closing but not looking so hot (muffin top anyone?) and am in Medium shirts. My back fat that I hate is almost all gone, and my mommy tummy that will never fully go away is tiny and after being pregnant twice in the past 3 years, I can live with my itty bitty post baby tummy.

I really stood back and looked at myself this morning and I have come so far. The pounds left to lose will disappear soon enough, but that woman in the mirror is the strong, woman I always wanted to be. I'm not the fat girl anymore. Most importantly I'm strong and I'm healthy. I will be around for my girls because my body is being taken care of. But not only that, I'm a runner, and I love running. Exercise is not a chore to me but a joy. And I am finally something I have always wanted to be, and that's attractive. I used to want to be 'hot' so my hubby could have a hot (at the time) girlfriend, but not I'm healthy and attractive, and honestly I no longer care what other men think. My husband thinks I'm hot and besides my own, his opinion is the only one that truly matters.

I may have shrank my body but I've grown my mind, and I couldn't be happier.

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