Friday, May 25, 2012

Emotions riding high.

Nap time at the park.
So this week my emotions have been riding pretty high. I keep feeling nervous about sending my little ones to daycare and of all the things I'm going to miss. Forcing myself to have a positive attitude and enjoy my last few weeks at home has really made me enjoy my time with my girls, and dread being away from them. I keep reminding myself of why I want to go back to work, and how much I will enjoy it once we're all settled. I also remind myself that my going back to work has allowed my husband to follow his dreams of working for a start up. If I didn't go back I'm not sure we could have afforded him switching jobs and I want him to be happy. I also know that I can provide so much more for our children if I work. My heart keeps telling me they don't need anything but me and my love but I know that's not true. University is only going to get more expensive and I want them to be in sports and/or artistic stuff without having to skip paying something that month. I know my mom worked several jobs when I was little to give me what I had, and I don't remember not having things but I remember what she did for me and the good times we spent together. So that is what I want to provide for my children. I will save for their future and give them all of me when I am home so they can have those wonderful memories too.

Lillian in her favourite park activity.
I am really trying to focus more on the girls when we are together. I know it's hard work to be home with them. Some days I just want to drink my coffee or wash the dishes in peace, but that never happens. I have heard (on the news) and read a lot of sad stories about children this last little while (which may play a part of why I don't want to leave mine) and now I keep reminding myself that I have beautiful, healthy children and so many people in the world would give up everything for that. Yes it's hard when I want to cook dinner and Lillian is running through the kitchen, often wanting to help, and Katrina is sitting between my legs slobbering on me and trying to pull herself up by the bottom of my too loose shorts, but this is the magic for little ones. Before I know it they won't want to help or even be around me. Healthy and happy children do these things, and I keep reminding myself of that when I feel overwhelmed. I am so truly blessed to have such healthy, happy and loving children and I feel like I need to be more thankful for that. I also need to be more thankful that I have a job to go back to. A lot of people are struggling right now, not just locally but all over the world, and I'm upset at going back to my salaried job with benefits and a pension? I think I need to suck it up a bit.

My dandelion princess.
On a positive note I realized this week that my first week back to work is a rest week. That's kinda cool. I'm not sure if the hours I picked for the summer term will actually be manageable with my running so I may need to adjust things after a week or two. Starting out with a rest week will help me see the best case scenario to see if I stand a chance at doing it. I'm not being pessimistic here, but I plan to bike to work and if I need to be in for 8am I have to leave by 7:30am so I need to be back from my run by 7am so I can shower and jump on the bike. That means for my 10-14km tempo and speed runs I need at least 90 minutes to run, so I'm going to have to get up by 5am to run from 6-7:30. With a baby who's up at night sometimes that is pushing it. I think I'm going to talk to my boss and cancel my Friday afternoon's off and come in on Tuesdays at either 9 or even 10am so I don't have so much pressure to run out the door and get it done. I am liking my morning runs but 8km is very different time wise (and pressure wise) than 14km!

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