Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Winning by Failing.

Today I won because I almost let myself fail. I didn't want to run this morning. At the risk of too much information I'm currently going through my first full strength period since having Lillian. I had a partial one after her but wouldn't even consider it a normal one since it only lasted like 2 days and then got pregnant with Katrina. So honestly, I haven't had the real deal since 2008 and I forgot all about the cramps and what havoc it reeks on my body and worse, my mind. I woke up afraid to run in the dark, feeling really crappy and sore, and not wanting to run. I dragged my butt out of bed at 5am and ate my oatmeal, then climbed back into bed, then got out and got dressed, then didn't want to run again, undressed and climbed into bed to tell my hubby I would run tonight. Fat chance, he has a start up event tonight, so back out I went, only now the true self doubt had taken over, and I was in tears while tying up my shoes on the front steps. I must have looked a real site, bawling my eyes out dressed up in my full running gear, orange vest included, as I headed off.

In the end my first 3km of tempo sucked, but I persevered and in the end I was EXACTLY where I should have been, meaning I was smack dab in the middle of my average tempo pace for those 11km! I should have been an average of 6:39-6:45 and I was 6:42 which is just plain crazy! So I need to remember this the next time I am seriously doubting myself because I am strong, powerful and when I put my mind to something watch out.

Where I did end up failing today was keeping my patience when I got frustrated with the kids. I yelled today and I don't like when I yell. Steve reminded me this morning that I couldn't run tonight because he would be out, and now that he's working for himself it's that much more important for him to actually get out and attend all these different start up type functions. It's all great for him, and good for the company but it really starts to suck for me. I spend my whole life taking care of our children, working (both in the office and at home) and running. I love my girls, but there are days where my patience is just gone and then I come home to a mess from the morning and two whining, cranky, hungry, grabby, bickering kids, and I just lose my cool. I couldn't take any more fighting and whining from them, and when Lillian blamed Katrina for spilling her milk when I gave it to her and told her NOT to leave it near her sister, I lost my cool and yelled at them. Lucky for me Katrina didn't even notice, and with Lillian I was quick to make a joke of it and get her to help me make her new chocolate milk, so she didn't even notice, but I did and I hate losing my cool.

So my lesson learned today is that I need to have more faith in my abilities both as a runner and as a mother. Because who knows, maybe if I had come home more positive and less tired, I would not have lost my cool and my diversion from mommy's hissy fit would not have been needed.

A reminder of who's really in charge.
As they bounce on my spine!

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